Looking Past the Mirror

I had a dream this afternoon.

I don't even remember what the dream was about or who was in it... but when I woke from my nap, reality slammed into me like a freight train...

My heart sunk and my stomach flopped as my mind replayed the facts in my head.

I am healing from an abusive relationship.

I know she never meant to be this way... it didn't start here, and the path of intention never lead here, but here is where we are.

What I know is this:

She says things that hurt me
There is judgment in her words and eyes
She is controlling, in almost all situations 

She expects transparency, but does not provide it
She feels she has a Right to judge, comment, ask...
Any human imperfection I exhibit is a reason for her to be disappointed in me

The image she puts forth is more important than the relationships she keeps
She is comfortable being both catalyst and victim...
And she believes she actually knows the motivation for peoples thoughts and actions

She lied about me...

and

...she is willing to let me hang for her lies.

...because to do otherwise would show that she lied, would say that she was wrong somehow, and she has honestly justified this to herself. Just like when she slapped me. And when she told Jay about "her version" of an incident that she didn't know I had already told him about...

She is the center of her universe... and believes that she is, at the very least, the moon in everyone else's...

But she is my mother.

And this is not all of her.

She also bathed me when I was recovering from surgery years ago, and couldn't bend to wash myself... She has traveled with me to auditions and girl weekends out of town... she has prayed with me for family and friends... and we have laughed together.

But...

She also put me into an adolescent "help" facility for my "outbursts" before my surgery (complications that were later revealed to me hormonal imbalance and a very serious medical issue)... she requested four-star hotels whenever we traveled so there would be a pool (which I paid for)... and all of the "good times" weren't GREAT, but the bad times HAVE been bad.

I love her.

And it's difficult to come to terms with both sides of her...


I am part of her.

She is part of me.

 And I haven't decided how much of my future will have her in it.

.