I am in the shower... huddled on the floor... my hair is a mess from the crap I used to keep it in place for the last two days.
I'm not crying... instead I am fighting the nausea that only attacks me when I think of her...
When I think of them. But mostly of her...
Jay is asleep in the next room.
I know he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even understand this place in my head... but his absence feels like a betrayal. I want him to come to me, hold me while I shiver under this water and be my safe place to fall...
How will I ever make it out of this place? When will the hurt stop and the anger subside?... How do I pretend to be normal...? "Function" in the "life goes on"?...
This just sucks.
Death without death.
Life without life.
I hate my head and my heart right now. I wish I was anywhere else being anyone else... instead of trying to convince myself to wash my hair before the water turns.
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