Forget, Forgive or F*ck it

How does someone decide if a family member should be welcome, permitted, or allowed to be in their life?

And why is it different for a family member?

Anyone else that treated me like this would be tossed aside, no questions asked, gone. And that is completely acceptable... But family? For some reason they get a pass on being abusive.


The Facts:

Right now I am defending myself against the state, because she lied. She attacked me, pulled on my clothing and my hair, held me down on the ground, threatened me, and then called the cops... And even though she knows what happened, and she could stand aside while I clear my name, she has decided to be a "witness" for the state - submitting false material and lies about me.

My siblings are defending me, but it's still terrible... How can this woman justify her actions? Not only did she lose it, physically assault me and lie to the cops, but now she has done everything on her power to keep me from clearing my name. She has tried to sabotage payment for my legal defense, is standing against me with the prosecutor, and talking to family members about her "account of the events".

I am just amazed...
Floored.
Hurt.
Tired.
Angry.



And I've learned about myself... the things I was allowing myself to believe about myself, about life, about relationships. Everything she lead me to believe. And as painful as this is, I can't help feeling grateful that the terrible traits and the misconceptions won't be passed on to MY family... This can no longer go unnoticed.

And I am growing through it, changing my understanding of the world around me and the world within me.



But how is this decision made?

Now that I know she is toxic, am I willing to be around it again?


Is my heart too kind, or too broken down, that I keep thinking sometime in our future that I might let her back in?

Our relationship will NEVER be the same, but I can't quite decide how "over" is this being over.

Untitled Poem

Cautiously she stepped aside,

asking that I would not confide,

“I'm sorry things got out-of-line,

your mother is a friend of mine...”

I try to understand her view,

this is a side she never knew,

but she was my friend first, and yet,

it seems that all but I forget...

I am not asking to pick sides,

or slander her with hateful lies,

I need a friend, a hand to hold,

while treacherous actions drive me cold.

The battle rages on, and I,

here stand alone, no battle cry.

I build my armor as best I can,

and step into the lions den.

At every chance they strip away,

the things I have protecting me,

till I am naked, marred and shammed,

and once again I can be tamed.

But life is altered, more than changed,

and I will not be made the same.

The line's been drawn, the dye is cast,

and if this fight shall be my last...

then I will fight and cry, proclaim,

the sins she has lived out in vain,

with gasping breath and flowing tears,

I'll tear the mask she's worn for years.

Copyright -  March 4, 2015

Looking Past the Mirror

I had a dream this afternoon.

I don't even remember what the dream was about or who was in it... but when I woke from my nap, reality slammed into me like a freight train...

My heart sunk and my stomach flopped as my mind replayed the facts in my head.

I am healing from an abusive relationship.

I know she never meant to be this way... it didn't start here, and the path of intention never lead here, but here is where we are.

What I know is this:

She says things that hurt me
There is judgment in her words and eyes
She is controlling, in almost all situations 

She expects transparency, but does not provide it
She feels she has a Right to judge, comment, ask...
Any human imperfection I exhibit is a reason for her to be disappointed in me

The image she puts forth is more important than the relationships she keeps
She is comfortable being both catalyst and victim...
And she believes she actually knows the motivation for peoples thoughts and actions

She lied about me...

and

...she is willing to let me hang for her lies.

...because to do otherwise would show that she lied, would say that she was wrong somehow, and she has honestly justified this to herself. Just like when she slapped me. And when she told Jay about "her version" of an incident that she didn't know I had already told him about...

She is the center of her universe... and believes that she is, at the very least, the moon in everyone else's...

But she is my mother.

And this is not all of her.

She also bathed me when I was recovering from surgery years ago, and couldn't bend to wash myself... She has traveled with me to auditions and girl weekends out of town... she has prayed with me for family and friends... and we have laughed together.

But...

She also put me into an adolescent "help" facility for my "outbursts" before my surgery (complications that were later revealed to me hormonal imbalance and a very serious medical issue)... she requested four-star hotels whenever we traveled so there would be a pool (which I paid for)... and all of the "good times" weren't GREAT, but the bad times HAVE been bad.

I love her.

And it's difficult to come to terms with both sides of her...


I am part of her.

She is part of me.

 And I haven't decided how much of my future will have her in it.

.

Here and Now

I am in the shower... huddled on the floor... my hair is a mess from the crap I used to keep it in place for the last two days.

I'm not crying... instead I am fighting the nausea that only attacks me when I think of her...

When I think of them. But mostly of her...



Jay is asleep in the next room.


I know he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even understand this place in my head... but his absence feels like a betrayal. I want him to come to me, hold me while I shiver under this water and be my safe place to fall...







How will I ever make it out of this place? When will the hurt stop and the anger subside?... How do I pretend to be normal...? "Function" in the "life goes on"?...







This just sucks.







Death without death.







Life without life.







I hate my head and my heart right now. I wish I was anywhere else being anyone else... instead of trying to convince myself to wash my hair before the water turns.