Forget, Forgive or F*ck it

How does someone decide if a family member should be welcome, permitted, or allowed to be in their life?

And why is it different for a family member?

Anyone else that treated me like this would be tossed aside, no questions asked, gone. And that is completely acceptable... But family? For some reason they get a pass on being abusive.


The Facts:

Right now I am defending myself against the state, because she lied. She attacked me, pulled on my clothing and my hair, held me down on the ground, threatened me, and then called the cops... And even though she knows what happened, and she could stand aside while I clear my name, she has decided to be a "witness" for the state - submitting false material and lies about me.

My siblings are defending me, but it's still terrible... How can this woman justify her actions? Not only did she lose it, physically assault me and lie to the cops, but now she has done everything on her power to keep me from clearing my name. She has tried to sabotage payment for my legal defense, is standing against me with the prosecutor, and talking to family members about her "account of the events".

I am just amazed...
Floored.
Hurt.
Tired.
Angry.



And I've learned about myself... the things I was allowing myself to believe about myself, about life, about relationships. Everything she lead me to believe. And as painful as this is, I can't help feeling grateful that the terrible traits and the misconceptions won't be passed on to MY family... This can no longer go unnoticed.

And I am growing through it, changing my understanding of the world around me and the world within me.



But how is this decision made?

Now that I know she is toxic, am I willing to be around it again?


Is my heart too kind, or too broken down, that I keep thinking sometime in our future that I might let her back in?

Our relationship will NEVER be the same, but I can't quite decide how "over" is this being over.

Untitled Poem

Cautiously she stepped aside,

asking that I would not confide,

“I'm sorry things got out-of-line,

your mother is a friend of mine...”

I try to understand her view,

this is a side she never knew,

but she was my friend first, and yet,

it seems that all but I forget...

I am not asking to pick sides,

or slander her with hateful lies,

I need a friend, a hand to hold,

while treacherous actions drive me cold.

The battle rages on, and I,

here stand alone, no battle cry.

I build my armor as best I can,

and step into the lions den.

At every chance they strip away,

the things I have protecting me,

till I am naked, marred and shammed,

and once again I can be tamed.

But life is altered, more than changed,

and I will not be made the same.

The line's been drawn, the dye is cast,

and if this fight shall be my last...

then I will fight and cry, proclaim,

the sins she has lived out in vain,

with gasping breath and flowing tears,

I'll tear the mask she's worn for years.

Copyright -  March 4, 2015

Looking Past the Mirror

I had a dream this afternoon.

I don't even remember what the dream was about or who was in it... but when I woke from my nap, reality slammed into me like a freight train...

My heart sunk and my stomach flopped as my mind replayed the facts in my head.

I am healing from an abusive relationship.

I know she never meant to be this way... it didn't start here, and the path of intention never lead here, but here is where we are.

What I know is this:

She says things that hurt me
There is judgment in her words and eyes
She is controlling, in almost all situations 

She expects transparency, but does not provide it
She feels she has a Right to judge, comment, ask...
Any human imperfection I exhibit is a reason for her to be disappointed in me

The image she puts forth is more important than the relationships she keeps
She is comfortable being both catalyst and victim...
And she believes she actually knows the motivation for peoples thoughts and actions

She lied about me...

and

...she is willing to let me hang for her lies.

...because to do otherwise would show that she lied, would say that she was wrong somehow, and she has honestly justified this to herself. Just like when she slapped me. And when she told Jay about "her version" of an incident that she didn't know I had already told him about...

She is the center of her universe... and believes that she is, at the very least, the moon in everyone else's...

But she is my mother.

And this is not all of her.

She also bathed me when I was recovering from surgery years ago, and couldn't bend to wash myself... She has traveled with me to auditions and girl weekends out of town... she has prayed with me for family and friends... and we have laughed together.

But...

She also put me into an adolescent "help" facility for my "outbursts" before my surgery (complications that were later revealed to me hormonal imbalance and a very serious medical issue)... she requested four-star hotels whenever we traveled so there would be a pool (which I paid for)... and all of the "good times" weren't GREAT, but the bad times HAVE been bad.

I love her.

And it's difficult to come to terms with both sides of her...


I am part of her.

She is part of me.

 And I haven't decided how much of my future will have her in it.

.

Here and Now

I am in the shower... huddled on the floor... my hair is a mess from the crap I used to keep it in place for the last two days.

I'm not crying... instead I am fighting the nausea that only attacks me when I think of her...

When I think of them. But mostly of her...



Jay is asleep in the next room.


I know he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even understand this place in my head... but his absence feels like a betrayal. I want him to come to me, hold me while I shiver under this water and be my safe place to fall...







How will I ever make it out of this place? When will the hurt stop and the anger subside?... How do I pretend to be normal...? "Function" in the "life goes on"?...







This just sucks.







Death without death.







Life without life.







I hate my head and my heart right now. I wish I was anywhere else being anyone else... instead of trying to convince myself to wash my hair before the water turns.

Inspriation for the title...

I have been blogging off and on since around a month after my fiance and I officially started dating (only took us one kid, a divorce and ten years to finally get together...) And in that time I have been blogging about mainly one subject: Spanking & Relationships. Or more specifically MY relationship with spanking.

I write stories and take photos (most go unshared), but that is not all I think about. Spankings, fantasies and sexy interludes are hardly the focus of my everyday. And I suppose that is why I blogged about them... a way to escape the mundane. A place to explore how I felt about things.

And over the years (since 2011) I have taken a few hiatuses from blogging for just the opposite reason... I didn't want to talk about sex or spankings, I didn't want to fantasize about some other life for an alternate character version of what I imagine I could be. I wanted to talk about real life and bare my soul.


So that is why this blog is here...

This is the EVERYday. The THIS in front of me. The real side of things.


Back to the subject line: Inspiration for the title...

I chose "Desiderata" as my first inspiration because it is my most favorite poem. On more than one occasion it was sent to me, in different forms, to remind me of who I am... not to mention the fact that it translates to both "desire" and "necessity".

The other inspiration is "Cinderella".


Hopefully that doesn't conjure up too much Disney in your mind, not that it is a bad movie, personally I love most of Disney's Princess Movies... but the inspiration for Cinderella was not born from Walt. The story of Cinderella (whatever form you prefer) has always called out to me... Novels that dive into the storyline have always intrigued me, any movie that even remotely mimics the story is always my "new favorite thing",and I have been cast in several renditions of it... (including THREE Operas).

And it really isn't the romance that speaks to me, although that is a nice touch. The essence of the story, for me, has always been the "sweetness" of it. The fact that someone could have so much thrown at them and still remain sweet, beautiful, kind, worthy, and generous...

I know it might come off as a little self-serving to compare myself to a character such as Cinderella, but her story is one I can relate to. Her essence is one that I feel I possess. And her struggles are ones that I understand all too well...


So, welcome to the journey. Should you choose to follow along in my storybook, I welcome your company. Grab a nice cup of tea, or a hot chocolate, and enjoy the plot twists and turns as I unveil a real glimpse behind the curtain.

Thank you for joining me.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious
to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter, for always
there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

©1927 Max Ehrmann (renewed) Bell & Son publishing, LLC
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